We’ve all seen this poem, perhaps in our own school or on the subway or inside your prison library:
Most of what I really need
To know about how to live
And what to do and how to be
I learned in kindergarten.
Wisdom was not at the top
Of the graduate school mountain,
But there in the sandpile at Sunday school.
It’s a lovely poem. It is. And the remainder of the book looks lovely too. Well, the cover and the font do. I don’t like reading. And neither do you. You’ve probably already moved onto something else. But for those of you who stayed, I promise a good time where you may or may not get wet.
When Robert Lee Fulghum wrote the book, he probably couldn’t have predicted the idea of the “simple life” would be completely renovated under the arrival of the internet (and also the arrival of the soul-deadening reality show, “The Simple Life”)
Although Robert Lee did come up with some nice thoughts, he is still a minister with a name that makes me believe he sounds like Foghorn Leghorn. He also probably doesn’t look at life as realistically and cynically as say, someone like me. Since the dude looks like George Lucas and Santa Claus’ love child, he probably won’t be around long enough to update his short essay collection to the more internet-friendly “I Haz Learned Kindergarten?” Although he does seem to understand the internet and will post occasionally, I feel like he is just out there writing another unfunny but poignant book out of experiences of spying on his neighbors and tapping their phones. I’m 63% sure he doesn’t do this, but it would be a better way for him to come up with those essays than actually “talking” to “people” in “social” situations. Ex-HAUST-ing
So in the spirit of furthering my own agenda and reminding people to stop being horrible, I have taken on the task of updating it for him. I expect royalty checks in approximately 3 to 5 weeks.
It will be called “All I Really Need is Validation From the Internet.” Bobby boy’s words will be in bold. My revisions are directly underneath and will be right and hysterical.
No. Please stop sharing. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t care about your kids’ play/dinner/bowel movement if I haven’t spoken to you in 4 years. And even if I spoke to you yesterday, the internal monologue you need to spew if not as interesting as you’d like to believe. In fact, they’ve done studies to show that although your brain likes it when you brag or talk about yourself, the rest of the brains in the world don’t.
Except when sterroids or other performance enhances could possibly be involved. Then take them, break a bunch of records, then rat out your friends a couple years later in front of a Congressional committee.
Don’t hit people.
Poke them. Troll them. Remind them they are worthless pieces of garbage. But only anonymously on message boards.
Put things back where you found them.
If I have to see you pick up one more rock and Instragram it, I’m gonna throw a Canon lens at you.
Clean up your own mess.
Better yet, become a publicist who cleans up other people’s messes for them. $$$$$
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
If I had a nickel for every time I witnessed a stolen thought posted as original content, I’d be richer than God, Zuckerface, and Bill Gates combined. Although, to be fair, I am stealing Robert Fulghum’s original essay in order to make a sarcastic but thoughtful point. Mr. Fulghum, you can take that nickel I owe you out of the royalty check.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
But only with a staged publicity stunt and if the restraining order allows.
Wash your hands before you eat.
But not with hand sanitizer because that shit will cause cancer, asthma, rashes, superbugs, and drunk teenagers.
But don’t flush your meds, maxi pads, or kittens. All are not biodegradable and can infect your drinking water with lithium, cotton, and cuteness.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
No they aren’t. The internet told me so. Both make you obese and hormonal. (Side note: http://www.notmilk.com/ might be my new favorite Drudge-Report-like-but-not-Drudge-Report-but-just-as-crazy website.)
Live a balanced life: Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance.
Besides the fact that the above sentence sounds like it was said by an actual Kindergartener, it is probably the top reason why people go to liberal arts colleges. The bottom reason is the desire to have a lifetime of student loan debt and underemployment.
And play and work every day some.
Welp universe, you gave me the internet so I’m just going to play at work. That was easy. In fact, I’m writing this at work and passing it off as real work. I am skilled in the art of having a “leave me the fuck alone” face at my place of employment.
Take a nap every afternoon.
This one is a little ridiculous. Adults don’t need naps every day. And neither do children. We only make children take naps so adults can get a break and eat all their candy. At least that’s what I would tell the kids I was a nanny for. And got to charge $25/hour for that abuse. I miss Manhattan…
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic.
BUT make sure your web traffic is good enough to justify your recipes, fake wedding plans, and inspirational but misattributed quotes on top of pictures of candles.
Hold hands and stick together.
This one is fucking sweet. I have nothing. Here’s a picture of sea otters holding hands.
Be aware of wonder.
Nah. We invented Google and Wikipedia so you don’t have to use the word “wonder” anymore.